Archives - 2004
Newton's
shock in India
Ching-lish
41
signs to tell you're Singaporean
San
Francisco marriages
Life no easy!
What we men want
A
UN survey? Impossible
Newton's
shock in India
Recently Isaac Newton, the father of physics, made a
visit to Earth to watch a movie. He watched a few Tamil
movies and emerged with his head in a spin. Here's why.
These were the actions he saw Vijayakanth (popular Tamil
actor) involved in: -
Vijayakanth has a brain tumour which, according to the doctors,
can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the
fights, our great Vijayakanth is shot in the head.
To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears
taking away the tumour along with it and he is cured. Long
live Vijayakanth!
Vijayakanth is confronted with three gangsters. He has a
gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess, what he does?
He throws a knife at the gangster standing in the centre
and shoots at the knife.
The knife cuts the bullet into two pieces, killing both
the gangsters flanking the one in the centre, while the
knife kills the middle one.
Vijayakanth is chased by a gangster. Vijayakanth has a revolver
but he has no bullets in it. Guess, what he does? No, you
won't succeed with your remotest imagination.
As soon as the gangster shoots, Vijayakanth opens the bullet
compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then,
he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun ... and
the gangster dies.
This was too much for Newton to take and he was completely
shaken and he decided to go back. But he stayed around to
watch another movie, thinking that at least it will follow
his theory of physics. The whole movie goes on fine and
Newton is happy that all in the world
hasn't changed.
Oops! Not so fast. The climax finally arrives. Vijayakanth
gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a
very high wall. It's so high that Vijayakanth can't jump
even if he tries one of those superman techniques our heroes
normally use.
He desperately wants to kill the villain. Vijayakanth pulls
out two guns from his pocket. He throws one gun in the air
and when the gun reaches the height of the wall, he shoots
at the trigger of the first gun in the air with his second
gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villain is dead.
Newton faints!
PROF SHAUKAT MAHMOOD
Gombak, Malaysia
Sep 24, 2004
Ching-lish
Don't fall off your chair!!!
1. In a Beijing hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable."
2. In a Shanghai hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
3. In a Hangzhou hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of
the chambermaid;
4. In a Jilin hotel:
"You are very invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
5. In a Wuxi dry cleaner:
Please drop your trousers here for best results."
6. Outside a Tianjin clothing shop:
Order your summer suits quick. Because of big rush we will
execute customers in strict rotation."
7. In a Xian tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
8. In a Guilin hotel:
"Because of impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose."
9. An ad by Kunming dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest methodists."
10. In a Hangzhou zoo:
"Please do not feed animals. If you have suitable food
give it to the guard on duty."
11. In a Taiyuan bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
12. In a Huashan temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman. Even a foreigner
if dressed as a man."
Aug 2, 2004
41 signs to tell you're Singaporean
1. Thanks to SMS, you have an extra large thumb.
2. Tks 2 SMS, u oso dun no how 2 spel n e mor.
3. You pat MRT and bus seats to cool them before you sit
down.
4. At lunch, you start discussing what to eat for dinner.
5. When speaking to foreigners, you somehow feel a need
to adopt an accent. (If you're a DJ, this happens even when
you're not speaking to foreigners.)
6. You won't raise your voice to protest policies, but you'll
raise your fists to whack someone over Hello Kitty.
7. You're forever talking about businesses you want to set
up but will probably never get around to starting.
8. You don't know ¾ of the people attending your
wedding.
9 You marry for the real estate breaks.
10 You have kids for the tax advantages.
12. You move to where you want your child to go to school.
13. You feel you can't walk around naked in your own flat.
14. You force your children to take Speech & Drama classes,
but pray they won't wind up in Arts later on.
15. You suddenly realise you're very interested in biotech.
Before that it was e-commerce, engineering, and before that,
medicine and law.
16. You think being an entrepreneur is setting up a bubble
tea, Portuguese egg tart, a chestnut stall - right next
to an existing bubble tea, Portuguese egg tart or chestnut
shop.
17. You think people are inconsiderate when they don't leave
their table immediately after eating at the food court but
think you have every right to take your own sweet time with
your ice kachang.
18. If you're a guy meeting other guys, you invariably trade
army stories.
19. If you're a girl with other girls, you must talk about
your 'stupid' guy friends who're forever trading army stories.
20. You somehow feel that food tastes better when eaten
next to a longkang (drain).
21. It actually makes a difference to you being called an
'NSMan' rather than a 'Reservist'.
22. You've eaten more times at the Esplanade than you've
actually seen shows there.
23. You need campaigns to tell you how to be courteous,
to flush toilets, have sex, etc.
24. You feel the urge to add the suffix '-polis' to everything,
viz. Biopolis, Airtropolis, Fusionopolis, Entrepolis, etc.
25. You meet in hotels a lot.
26. Your children have a rudimentary knowledge of Tagalog
or Bahasa Indonesia.
27. You work at McDonald's when you're old rather than young.
28. You'll gladly spend $50,000 on a car, but will go to
great lengths to save a few bucks on ERP charges or even
a few cents on a parking coupon.
29. If you're pregnant, you have the magic to make people
on the MRT fall asleep instantly.
30. You've started referring to foreign employees as 'talent'
instead of 'expatriates'.
31. You copy down number plates of cars involved in accidents.
32. You think your boyfriend doesn't really love you unless
he gives you part of his liver.
32. You pronounce the letter 'R' as 'ah-rer' and the letter
'H' as 'haytch'.
34. You believe that you can generate 'creativity' through
rules and committees.
35. You 'chope' a seat by placing a packet of tissues on
the chair.
36. You're very forthright with your criticisms of the Gahmen,
unless there's a chance they might actually hear you.
37. Your mother probably can't speak your 'mother tongue'.
38. You secretly find that the best part of the Speak Good
English Movement is hearing the Singlish bits in their ads.
39. You think we're living in a modern, sophisticated country
even when our leaders still insist on wearing white school
uniforms.
40. You wish your constituency is in a walkover, otherwise
it's damn 'leceh'.
41. During elections, you decide that there is no credible
opposition even though you don't know the name of the opposition
candidate in your constituency.
May 1, 2004
San Francisco marriages
I won't be surprised if this will happen one day in
America and no where else!
A scene at City Hall in San Francisco.
"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same
gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's
incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love
each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian
couples, who've been denied equal protection under the law.
If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry
a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry
a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate
against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license.
Next."
-
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right.You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane
and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and
Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married
together is the only way that we can express our sexual
preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licences to gay and lesbian
couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of
marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage
to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our
rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal
protection under the law. Give us a marriage licence!"
"All right, all right. Next."
-
"Hello, I'd like a marriage licence."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality,
so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a
joint income-tax return."
Mar 25, 2004
A UN survey? Impossible
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the
UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please
give your honest opinion about the solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was, not surprisingly, a huge failure, because:
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest"
meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage"
meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution"
meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please"
meant. And,
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
meant.
Feb 28, 2004
What we men man want..
We always hear "the rules" from the female
side. Now the men say: These are our rules!
Please note, they are all numbered "1" for a purpose!
1.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's
up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't
hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1.
Saturday + Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
1.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think
of it that way.
1.
Crying is blackmail.
1.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints
do not work! Just say it!
1.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends
are for.
1.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
1.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like film stars. 1. If you think you're
fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one
of the ways makes you sad or
angry, we meant the other one.
1.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done. Not both. If you
already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
adverts.
1.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither
do we.
1.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a
fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.
1.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you don't want to
hear.
1.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine. Really.
1.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as
football, drinking, or cars.
1.
You have enough clothes.
1.
You have too many shoes.
1.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep
on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't
mind that, it's like camping.
Feb 24, 2004
Life no easy!
Hi
All,
I am Ong Ah Bee living in Kampong Chai Chee
Life used to be simple and HAPPY
I worked hard in my STUDIES
I learned A-B-C, and everything from 1, 2, and 3.
Primary school was quite easy
I passed PSLE
Then I went to SECONDARY
The subjects include HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY
Physics, Biology and CHEMISTRY
After O levels I went to JC
I was quite LUCKY
This
is a small humid tropical COUNTRY
Surrounded by unknown potential ENEMIES
Boys turned 18 must go to ARMY
After that we may continue our Studies
The girls can just sit back, relax, and watch TV
They come to this world only to "Chia Liao Bi"
(be an unproductive
Rice-eater)
No one
lives on free meals or depends on CHARITY
I had no money to go to University or Poly
So I went to work at a FACTORY
Trying to earn a little lousy SALARY
After CPF and INCOME TAX,
I have just enough money to buy ROTI and ride in MRT.
Colleagues
at work used to be FRIENDLY
Always treat me to tea and COFFEE
Somehow they turned NASTY
Passing bad remarks about me
Telling everybody I am LAZY.
My bosses
show me no SYMPATHY
Mumbling over my shoulder daily : "HURRY, HURRY and
HURRY !"
Accusing me of always trying to get MC
But my sickness was due to overstretched OT
Going home after midnight by TAXI and
They pay me only bus fee
I Park-Tor
and became STEADY
Finally had to MARRY
I lost money holding Wedding Dinner PARTY
Cheeky friends donating only cheap PANTY
After
marriage, nothing was EASY
In one year, I became DADDY
I can't support my family and our BABY
Being tied down for life to repay HDB and
Rising monthly utilities to PUB
My bank
account has NO MONEY
POSB balance is almost EMPTY
DBS wants to charge me EXTRA FEE
Insisting that "Nothing is FREE!"
So I
moonlight as KARANG GUNI
Many times I want to jump into the sea to MATI
But that is not EASY
My wife cries: "Who is going to support me and our
BABY?"
So I can't MATI .
I went
to seek assistance from the MP
His reply was simple and easy:
"Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me".
He never tell me any convincing Policy.
My dear friends, can you help Ong Ah Bee ?
Jan 30, 2004
