Latest Bush joke
English language under the "Governator"
Job-saving policy
Malaysia boleh!Good reasons to be..
Bone-cutting Corp
Diary of a modern lady
New disease alert
Pathetic love
Politicians are funnySaddam's letter
GM verses Bill Gates
The chicken and world figures
A good lawyer story
New weapon: Condoms
Modern courtship letters
Latest Bush joke
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen. They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to 6 magnificent white horses.
They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons, all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire and the smell was excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses.
The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George Bush, always trying to be "presidential", replies. "Your Majesty do not give the matter another thought... If you had not mentioned it I would have thought it was one of the horses."
Dec 9, 2003
The English language..
..Under Arnoldt, the "Governator"
The new California Governor-elect has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or,
perhaps even better, "Austrionics".).
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k".
This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd! year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.
Nov 21, 2003Job-saving policy
In view of the jobs-saving scheme for everyone, you should be thankful that your company is making effort to implement this to your organisation very soon.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, Aug 9 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Thank you for your loyalty to our department. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Sept 14, 2003Malaysia boleh!
After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, a Malaysian scientist En Mat Boot, reported the following: After digging as deep as 500m, Malaysian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless mobile phones."Good reasons to be ..
..Hongkies
1. We are Hongkies not Chinese
2. We can talk and shout and nobody gives a damn
3. Jackie Chan is our icon
4. We can live in 5' x 5' cubicle and call it luxury apartment
5. Our children can speak Cantonese at a young age
6. We get to blame everything on Feng Shui or Tung Chee Hwa or the
mainlanders
7. No one can threaten Hong Kong, except the few expat Cathay pilots
8. Gambling is more interesting than sex
9. We produce a lot of Ms. Hong Kong to the enjoyment of the rich and
famous.
.. Singaporeans
1. We are not Chinese
2. Everyone hates us except ourselves
3. Famous for Orchard Road
4. Proud of our world class Airport, world class MRT, world class airline, world class telco...
5. We have our own island.
6. We know how to enjoy vacation in Malaysia - keep a few M$50 notes
before you enter the highway, can thrash anything, anytime, anywhere and always wash our cars at the resort.
7. The men are always concerned, first question to ask a girl "Do u have CPF?"
8. Never fear getting lost in our country - S$20 taxi ride will get u into the sea.
9. We'll never have to worry about finding Mr or Ms right coz Govt will find one for us.
10. 1 Sing = 2.2 ringgit nyeh-nyeh-nyeh..
11. It's OK to be Kiasu. It's part of our culture.
.. Indonesians
1. We are not Australians.
2. We live in the biggest country in Southeast Asia
3. No pirates in Indonesia water if u exclude the Navy and Coast guards.
4. Everything is cheap, even our salaries
5. We can blame everything on Suharto or Habibie or Gus Dur or Megawati or...
6. Only in Indonesia can u get involved in real demonstrations daily for different causes and see no results.
7. Our Rupiah is like a Yo Yo, it can go up and down just because IMF says so...
8. We burn everything and nobody gives a damn
9. We don't need firefighters as our neighbours will provide...
.. Malaysians
1. World tallest Building, Best F1 circuit, biggest pewter mug, highest standard of university admission... because Malaysia Boleh
2. We can be driving, picking our nose, cursing another driver, talking on the handphone, adjusting radio and bribing the cop at the same time.
3. Divorce by sending SMS
4. Traffic summon can be settled on the spot with the cop.
5. Teh Tarek & Roti Canai is the favourite supper
6. We can save a lot of electricity because our TV shows are so crappy
7. We can blame everything on the haze or George Soros or Keadilan or.....
8. Resourceful City Council, one person to drive the van, one to carry the ladder, one to change a street bulb and three others watching.
9. We make 2-lane trunk roads into 3-lane highway and back to 2-lane when cops are sighted.
10. There's always something for the PSD to do. They dig, resurface, dig and resurface...
11. All main roads are designated highway because it gives the govt a reason to collect toll charges.
12. Our Govt can never be wrong. Bagus eh?
Jul 25, 2003Bone-cutting Corp
MEMO: To All Staff,
As you know, the realities of the downturn have hit home and I am forced to introduce the following cost-cutting measures to help shore up our beloved company.
I know you will understand that the pain is temporary and the gains will be there for all of us to reap when the company comes through these difficult times stronger.... and ready to ride the next big wave.
So with immediate effect, all staff will be required to adhere to the following:
a. The cups on the two vending machines are to be recycled. Annabelle has already serialised them.
b. Sabbatical leave: Executives booked for New York will now go to Kukup in Johor Bahru instead. Senior executives can go further - up to Yong Peng.
c. Our chalet lease in Pulau Ubin has ended. However, as the management takes a keen interest in staff welfare, we have arranged with Francis (from Admin Dept) to rent out one of his rooms at Blk 923, Pasir Ris Drive. His flat was chosen for its proximity to the sea and you can still see Ubin from the window.
d. Entertainment claims: Staff will be required to go for a 30-min demonstration by Raj from Finance Dept, who will show you how to withdraw your credit card slowly from your wallet (58 secs), so that others at a business lunch will inadvertently beat you to it when the bill comes.
e. The Valentine's Day white chocolates(Deluxeur) which I gave out in February: Those of you who have yet to open the box, please return them (expiry date: Jan 2004).
f. Monthly Best Employee Award: The $1000 cash award will now be replaced by a box of Deluxeur white chocolates.
g. Annual Best Employee Award: The 14-day Disneyland/Hawaii tour and solid gold Rolex Oyster watch will be replaced by TWO boxes of Deluxeur white chocolates.
h. Medical: The Oxfordshire-Hopkins Medical Group will no more be on our panel. Annabelle will give you the address of Hong Tong Hong Medical Hall in Sungei Road. Bring you company pass for a 10% discount.
i. Country Club Memberships: Senior executives must return their membership cards to Annabelle, who will then register your name with Bishan Community Centre.
j. Transport Allowance: No reduction of rate! However, it will be paid on alternate months.
k. Gifts for clients: New choices. The Bohemian Crystal list will be replaced by the one from 7-eleven.
l. Annual Dinner & Dance: No change (Dec 24, yay!), but the venue is switched from The Ritz-Carlton to the void deck of Annabelle's flat in Ang Mo Kio Avenue 10.
m. Bonus: This time, staff welfare comes first! Instead of the usual amount, we raised it up to $2 million. Each employee will be given a Singapore Sweep ticket.
The draw is on Dec 5.
From: Chief Financial OfficerDiary of
A modern lady
Monday:
Returned from honeymoon. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe, which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice though.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try and be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never notice back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong, he started crying and shouting out "Why me? Why me?". It has to be his job ...
June 2, 2003New disease alert
The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome).
A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) affects people of many different ages.
Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate.
It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.
Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 5:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays.
More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing.
In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur.
Sometimes death ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes?"
If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms have passed.
Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday.
Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property, killer headaches and divorce.
On the up side, there is not, and probably never will be, a permanent cure.
May 22, 2003Pathetic love
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
May 17, 2003Politicians are funny
George Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after-shave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, " How about you? " Bush replied, "Go ahead, Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
---
When Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador in Ottawa, and his wife, threw a gala dinner party in his honour.
At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame Chrétien; "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame Aline Chrétien. A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon petit Chou, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, appiness"
May 14, 2003Saddam's letter
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he's still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain this message: 370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it in and emailed Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the cc list got longer and longer.
Eventually it arrived at the Fed. Dr. Greenspan looked at it and replied the next second:
"Perhaps the President would wish to look at the message up-side-down.... "
Apr 12, 2003GM verses Bill Gates
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Feb 18, 2003
The famous chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road?
George W. Bush
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
Al Gore
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
Ralph Nader
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
Pat Buchanan
To steal a job from decent, hard-working Americans.
Ernest Heminway
To die. In the rain. Alone.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Barbara Walters
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
John Lennon Lennon
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Aristotle
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act or rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Voltaire
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
Ronald Reagan
What chicken?
Sigmund Freud
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates
I have just released Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the chicken.
Albert Einstein
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
Colonel Sanders
I missed one?
Told you it's finger lickin' good!!!
Feb 16, 2003
A good lawyer story
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
Now the twist
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of -- Arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This true story won 1st prize in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Feb 10, 2003New weapon: Condoms
Musharraf is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. "Pervez, its the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Karachi has burned to the ground. The entire Pakistani supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"Darn it - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"
"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad...what about China?"
"No chance!! The chinks will have a field day on this one!"
"What about India?"
"U mad - we don't want them to know that we are stuck.But still we can talk on my hotline confidentially. You call Vajpayee - tell him we need one million condoms; coloured white and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big we Pakis really are!!"
Pervez calls Atal, who agrees to help the Pakis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives in Islamabad - full of boxes. A delighted Musharaf rushes out to open the boxes. He finds Condoms;
10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored green and white. He then notices in small writing on each and every one ..........................
MADE IN INDIA
SIZE : SMALL
Jan 25, 2003
Modern courtship letters
Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of November.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of November, 2002, 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.
Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
Tay Young Sim,
Bachelor of Information Techonolgy
------------------------------------------
To: Tay Young Sim
From: Samantha Lee
Dear Young Sim,:
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction.
However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits.
Gratuity should be generous. I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment.
If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP' I shall be entertaining.
In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jag is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps,
Samantha Lee, Bachelor of Law
Jan 15, 2003
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------