Archives
- 2002
Resignation
letter
New
Definitions
Medical howlers
"Hey,
cut it out!" Osama
The working world...
"Dear
Abby" letters
Why
we have to hit Saddam
New
company rules
Kids: on marriage,
etc
New Financial
Jargon
Planting Potatoes
Saving
the leader
Don't
talk to strangers!
Do
you do these things?
A
special letter
E-Mailing
the wrong wife
How internet started
Professor and his girls
Why
I'm so tired!
A
Girl Thing
A cracking joke
Enron
joke
Our
task
Attacking
Iraq
Axis
of evil
Surrogate
father
Recruiting
good leaders
Contemporary history
You
young peacock
Cnn girl wants 8 ins of it
Fainting jokes take over
Most embarrassing moments
Resignation
letter
Actual letter of resignation from an employee of a computer
company in USA, to his boss, who soon resigned very soon
afterwards
Dear
Mr Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I
have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is
that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above
the common ground squirrel.
After
your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers
and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only
surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes
of our time.
Asking
me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance
of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my
office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of
precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network
computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide
amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly
attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste"
for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly
simple as binary still gives you too many options.
You
will also never understand why people hate you, but I am
going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure
this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP
is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever
will.
You
walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for
fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about
you that may have worked for your interview, but now that
you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked
staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In
a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green
algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like
you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing
as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting
a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender
my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1.
When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is
illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can
say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I
will have friends randomly call you over the next couple
of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.
2.
I have all the passwords to every account on the system,
and I know every password you have used for the last five
years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish
your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved
when you made me "back up" your useless files.
I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not
usually viewed favourably by the administration.
3.
When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures
of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that
you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror
nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron
you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such
odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those
have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring
of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell
check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank
you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation
on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody,
and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will
be open to the public.
Never
f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they
know what you do with all that free time!
Sincerely
D Brewer.
Nov 5, 2002
New
Definitions
Please update your online
Oxford Dictionary.
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with
fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from
the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without
passing through "the minds of either"
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied
by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a
way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power
is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not
read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous
home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to
open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know
more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually
and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during
life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in
such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if
he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel
tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die
rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except
that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and
late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections
and your confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and
kills you with his bills.
Oct 29, 2002
Medical
howlers
Real jokes from real life doctors that can't
be dreamt up.
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take
off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several
cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the
beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used
to be," remorsed the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One
day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive
internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
During
a patient's two weeks follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every
six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undressed and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While
acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look
of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was
caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's
your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to
see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A nurse
was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,
so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there
was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry,
had to mow the lawn."
Oct 18, 2002
"Hey,
cut it out!" Osama
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours
recently but we've really come together as a group and I
love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't
forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few
concerns:
First
of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles,
we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave.
We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and
safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've
done my bit on the cleaning roster.. have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area
(next to
the halal toaster).
Second,
it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm
trying to scare the sh*t out of most of the world's population,
okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your
scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing.
Thanks.
Third:
Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote
"Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf.
Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration.
That's all I'm saying.
Fourth:
I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance
ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please
do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I
ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Five:
Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SH*GS DONKEYS"
on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed
into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the
mountain.
Six:
The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old
excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving
myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted
in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)
Finally,
we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise
trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols
to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul,
Akbar and Ken.
Love
you lots, Group Hug. Os.
The
working world...
"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.
"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"Must be deadline-oriented"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"Some overtime required"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must havfe an eye for details"
We have no quality control.
"Career-minded"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has
been filled.
"No phone calls please"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
pay or respect.
"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they
want and do it.
Sept 24, 2002
"Dear
Abby" letters
These
are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted
she was at a total loss to answer:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One
is a middle-aged gym
teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen
a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think
they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence
on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm
not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I
think my boyfriend should share half the cost. But I don't
know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how
do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50
an hour every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be
crazy.
Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a
little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't,
and he did it.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is
going through her
mental pause?
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all nterest in
sex to send him to
a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years
ago and he IS a doctor. What now?
Sept 21, 2002
Why
we have to hit Saddam
"We shall not EXXONerate
Saddam Hussein for his action. We will MOBILise
to meet this threat to vital interests in the Persian
GULF.
Until an AMOCOble solution
is reached, our best strategy is to BPrepared.
Failing that, we are ARMOming
to kick your ass."
George W. Bush
Sept 17, 2002
New
company rules
1)
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement
as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor,
you are able to come to work.
2) SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as
you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
3) PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104
personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
4)VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation
at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1 & Dec. 25
5) BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing
work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives
or colleagues. Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will
be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of
the work is done.
6) OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted
as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice
as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
7) BATHROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being
spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the
practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will
go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B'
will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the employees may swap their time
with a colleague.
Both employees' team leaders must approve this exchange
in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
8) LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch
as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy;
normal sized people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain the average figure; fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
9) DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work
dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing
350 Prada sneakers & carrying a 600 Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternations or input, should
be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Kids:
on marriage, etc
How
do you decide who to marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
No
person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to
find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10
How
can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
What
do you think Mum and Dad have in common?
Both don't want to have any more kids.
Lori, age 8
What
do most people do on a date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to
get to know each other. Even boys have something to say
if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8
On
the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10
What
would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all
the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
When
is it okay to kiss someone?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7
The
law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
Curt, age 7
The
rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing
to do.
Howard, age 8
Is
it better to be single or married?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9
How
would the world be different if people didn't get married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
*Kelvin, age 8
How
would you make a marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like
a truck.
Roy, age 10
Aug 21, 2002
New
Financial Jargon
Bull Market:
- A
random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself
for a financial genius.
Bear
Market: - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets
no sex.
Momentum
Investing: - The fine art of buying high and selling
low.
Value
Investing: - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E
ratio: - The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the Market keeps crashing.
Broker:
- Poorer than you were last year.
Buy,
Buy: - A flight attendant making market recommendations
as you step off the plane.
Standard
& Poor: - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock
Analyst: - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock
split: - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all
your assets equally between themselves.
Financial
Planner: - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when
he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market
Correction: - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash
Flow: - The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.
Day
Trader: - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Institutional
Investor: - Past year investor who is now locked up
in a nut house.
Enron,
Worldcom also created these new terms:-
EBITDA - Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor
EBIT
- Earnings before irregularities and tempering.
CEO
- Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO
- Chief Fraud Officer
NAV
- Normal Andersen valuation
EPS
- Eventual prison sentence.
Aug 1, 2002
Planting
Potatoes
An old man lived alone in Palestine. He wanted
to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His
only son, who would have helped him, was in an Israeli prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his
predicament.
Shortly,
he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't
dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At
4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen Israeli soldiers showed
up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused,
the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what
happened, and asking him what to do next. His
son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. This
is the best I can do for you at this time."
June 28, 2002
Saving
the leader
I love political jokes. This one was gratefully
received via e-mail from Malaysia.
Three
political leaders were having a heated debate on a boat
moored off the beach on issues that would affect the future
of their country.
It
got so heated and everyone was gesturing that the boat overturned.
On shore three men - Dollah, Ah Meng and Maniam - saw it,
dived in and swam out to pull their leader safely to shore.
Gratefully,
he asked the three men to name their rewards.
Dollah
asked for a Class 'A' licence (for driving heavy goods lorries),
50 taxi permits, 100 APs (car import permits) and a ministerial
post. All were of course granted.
Then
came Ah Meng's turn. He wanted 5 licences to operate a private
college and he was granted six.
When
Maniam was asked, he asked for 4 bodyguards. This puzzled
the leader but he granted it.
On the way home, his astonished friends interrogated Maniam.
"Dey, how can you just ask for bodyguards? And what
are you going to do with them?"
"Ayoyo, if my neighbours find out who I saved, they
will all want to kill me!!"
June 12, 2002
Don't
talk to strangers!
From a friend, Boon
Lee:
While
waiting to catch a plane in Melbourne Airport, a chap decided
to visit the restroom. The first stall was occupied, so
he went into the second one.
He was no sooner seated and comfortable than he heard a
voice from the first stall ask, "Hi, how are you doing?"
Well,
this chap was not the type to chat with strangers in restrooms,
and he really didn't know quite what to do, but anyway,
this chap answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."
And
the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"
Talk
about your dumb questions! This chap was really beginning
to think this was too weird! So he said: "Well, just
like you, I'm waiting to board a jet."
Then,
he heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll
call you back. There's some idiot in the next stall answering
all the questions I'm asking you!"
May 24, 2002
Do
you do these things?
You
point to your nose when referring to yourself.
Your hair sticks up when you wake up.
You add twice the recommended amount of water when
making Ribena,
Milo or Horlicks beverages.
You turn bright red after drinking 2 tablespoons
of beer.
You have plastic or some other kind of cover on your
furniture.
Your house smells like preserved fish.
Your entire house is covered with tile.
You talk at the top of your voice at the movies,
libraries and museums.
Most girls have more body hair than you.
Your fridge stinks.
Your parents ask you if you are home when you come
home.
You have a cellular phone, even though you don't really
need it.
You like to eat chicken feet.
You suck on fish heads and fish fins.
If you lose a dollar, you dwell upon it for more
than 5 minutes.
If you have these habits, then your name should be Ah
Beng.
May 18, 2002
A special letter
A
college girl writes this letter to her parents:
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I
have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for
my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will
bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please
sit down.
YOU
ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN.
OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull
fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the
window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after
my arrival are pretty well healed now.
I only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately
the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by
an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was
the one who called the fire department and the ambulance.
He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere
to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It's
really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very
fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning
to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it
will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you
are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you
will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and
tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend
has some minor infection which prevents us from passing
our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it
from him.
This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I
am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family
with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated,
he is ambitious.
lthough he is of a different race and religion than ours,
I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you
to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat
different than ours.
I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background
is good too, for I am told that his father is an important
gun-bearer in the village from which he came.
Now
that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that
there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion
or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not
pregnant, I am not engaged... there is no man in my life.
However,
I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and
I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Anyways, this news is better than those above.
Your Loving Daughter.
May 1, 2002
E-Mailing
the wrong wife
This was voted as the best e-mail joke in
Australia in 2001.
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter,
a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach,
where he was to meet his wife the next day at th e conclusion
of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice
time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man w as told he would have to wait for a
later flight.
He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline
was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good
to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that
Miami Beach was havin g a heat wave, and its weather was
almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.
The
desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive
as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off,
and quickly sent his w ife an e-mail, but due to his haste,
he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly
preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the
day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one
look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell
to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message
on the screen:
Dearest
wife,
Departed yesterday as you know.
Just got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
**
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be
surprised at how hot it is down here.
Apr 27, 2002
How
internet started
An
old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to
a stone pulpit and says......
"And
lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long
of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said
unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far,
from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without
ever leaving thy tent?"
And
Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle
bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How,
Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns
and drums in between to send messages saying what you have
for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the
best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".
Abraham
thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate
success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price,
without ever moving from his tent. But this success did
arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's
drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man
did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung.
They
were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites,
or NERDS for short.
And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches
and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that
the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother
William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the
land.
And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work
if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by others".
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as
it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "we
need a name of a service that reflects what we are,"
and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"Whoopee!",
said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.
And
that is how it all began...
Apr
26, 2002
Professor
and his girls
An elderly, tenured professor of philosophy
at Stanford University always start every class with a somewhat
vulgar joke.
While the guys always enjoyed the comical break, many of
the femmes took the risqué humour as a personal affront.
After one particular example, the women in the class decided
to band together and walk out as a group the next time he
started one of his bawdy jokes.
The professor, getting wind of their plot to disrupt his
daily repartee, decided to seemingly play into their hands...
The very next morning he walked into the classroom and said:
"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the
terrible shortage of whores in Iraq?"
With that, all of the women stood up in a huff and headed
straight for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The
plane doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
Apr 15, 2002
Why
I'm so tired!
Over
the last few weeks, I've been telling myself: "It must
be because of the change in temperature, lack of sex, pollution
in the air, obesity and a dozen other reasons that I am
feeling so tired.
But I have discovered that all these reasons have nothing
to do with it.
This country has 27 million inhabitants of which 11 million
are retired; this leaves only 16 m to work. Six million
go to school, which means 10 m are left to work.
Five
million are unemployed and 4 m are public servants, which
leaves only 1 m to do the work.
There are 620,000 people in hospitals, 379,998 in prison.
Therefore only 2 persons are left to do all the work - you
and me.
And you're
sitting here on your ass reading this stupid joke,
no wonder I"m so tired!
Apr 12, 2002
A
Girl Thing
A poem for us....
I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest !!!!!
I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
DON'T call me a GIRL ,
a BABE or a CHICK .
I am a WOMAN.
Get it?, you DICK!
Apr 6, 2002
A
cracking joke!
General
Musharaf, Vajpayee, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher
are sitting in a train.
The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely
dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a cracking
slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.The women and Vajpayee
are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharaf is bent over
holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy
after Madhuri. Musharaf must have tried to kiss her in the
tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him."
Madhuri is thinking: "Musharaf must have moved to kiss
me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped.
Musharaf is thinking: "Damn it, Vajpayee must have
tried to kiss Madhuri she thought it was me and slapped
me."
Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another
tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharaf
again."
Mar 29, 2002
Enron
joke
Traditional
capitalism: You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the
economy grows. You sell them andretire on the income.
Enron venture capitalism: You have two cows. You
sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,
then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general
offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary
to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with
an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president
of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance
sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
Arthur Anderson: You have 2 cows. You shred all documents
that Enron has any cows, take 2 cows from Enron for payment
for consulting the cows, and attest that Enron has 9 cows.
An American corporation: You have two cows. You sell
one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French corporation: You have two cows. You go on
strike because you want three cows.
A Japanese corporation: You have two cows. You redesign
them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon
images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A German corporation: You have two cows. You re-engineer
them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.
A British corporation: You have two cows. Both are
mad.
An Italian corporation: You have two cows, but you don't
know where they are. You break for lunch.
A Russian corporation: You have two cows. You count
them and learn you have five cows. You count them again
and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn
you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.
A Swiss corporation: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong
to you. You charge others for storing them.
A Hindu corporation: You have two cows. You worship
them.
A Chinese corporation: You have two cows. You have 300
people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine
productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
An Israeli corporation: So, there are these two Jewish
cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store,
and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to
Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Mar 2, 2002
Our
Task
In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf
was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness towards
the people who harboured and abetted the terrorists who
perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His
answer was classic Schwartzkopf. He said:
"I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our
job is simply to arrange the meeting."
Mar 7, 2002
Attacking
Iraq
Secretary
of State Powell and Secretary of Defence Rumsfeld were sitting
in a bar outside the Nation's Capital.
A regular customer walked in, ordered a drink, and then
noticing the two officials sitting at the end of the bar
asked the barman, "Say, isn't that Powell and Rumsfeld?"
The barkeep replied, "Yep, that's them."
A few drinks later, the man walked over to the two and said,
"Excuse me, but what are you guys doing here?"
Donald Rumsfeld replied, "We're planning World War
III." he man said, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Colin Powell said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million
Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
"What?" the man exclaimed. "Why are you going
to kill a bicycle repairman?"
Rumsfeld turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you
no one would give a shit about the 10 million Iraqis."
Mar 1, 2002
Axis
of Evil:
Why can't we join?
Latest
from SatireWire.com
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis
of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they
had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they
said would be even eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North
Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the
Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the
new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.
"Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!"
declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody
knows we're the best evils.. best at being evil...we're
the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being
excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could
join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full,"
said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An Axis can't have more than three countries,"
explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is
not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany,
Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have
three. And a secret handshake. Ours is way cool."
Axis Pandemic
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration
was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate
status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.
Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis
of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda
and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while
Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of
Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable
clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda
applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't
the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics;
Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations
That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts
About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New
Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Are Allowed
to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like
to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack
McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't
perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval
for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of
the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay,"
accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the
charges.
Feb 8, 2002
Surrogate
Father
(Just received this gem from
a friend)
Smiths
were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm
off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
morning madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"
Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well,
good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come
in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing,
"Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes
the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread
out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot
from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure.
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of
a bus."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at
her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well -- when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding around
four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened
in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "For more than
three hours, too.The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached
and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually
chewed on your...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set
up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold very long... Madam? Madam?
Are you alright Madam?"
Feb 5, 2002
Recruiting
good leaders
(From
another friend. I've got more of them than I deserve!)
Dr.
M was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient
and corrupt that he decided to call on PM Goh and ask him
how he managed to have such an efficient and uncorruptable
cabinet.
On
hearing Dr. M's woes, PM Goh said, 'Simple, Dr.M, I choose
able men for my cabinet. '
Dr. M asked, 'Yes, but how do you know that they are able?'
PM Goh replied, "Just ask them simple questions to
test their intelligence. They don't need to be too difficult.
Let me illustrate to you.'
Just then, Tony Tan was walking by, PM Goh called out to
him, 'Hey Tony, come over here.' Tony obediently walked
briskly over. PM Goh asked, 'Tell me, Tony, who is
your father's son ?'
Tony Tan immediately replied, 'Me! Of course.' PM Goh turned
to Dr.M and said, 'See, all my ministers can answer this
question. Why don't you go back and try.' Dr.M thank PM
Goh and left.
Once he was back, he immediately summoned Anwar, his deputy,
and shot the question at him, 'Tell me, Anwar, who is your
father's son ?' Anwar was shocked beyond words and did not
know the answer
After a while, he recovered and said, 'Boss, let me find
out and I'll tell you tomorrow.'
Dr. M, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Anwar will
give a good answer tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Anwar was panicking that his boss was testing
him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his
staff, but none of them knew the answer. The next morning,
he decided to call Bill Clinton for help.
Surely the most powerful person in the world must know the
answer. When Bill picked up the phone, Anwar said, 'Hello,
Bill, can I ask you a question?'
Clinton, very busy, replied, 'Alright, but it better be
good!' Anwar quickly asked, Tell me, who is your father's
son ?'
Clinton was fuming, 'Of course its me, you stupid!' and
he slammed the phone down.
Satisfied that he got the answer, he confidently walked
into Dr. M's office and said, 'Boss, I've got the answer
to your question.'
Dr. M, happy that his deputy wasn't that dumb, said, 'So
tell me quick, who is your father's son, Anwar?' Anwar confidently
replied, 'It''s BILL CLINTON!'
Dr.M slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, "No
you stupid! It's TONY TAN!"
Feb 5. 2002
Contemporary
History
Just received this red-hot from my e-mail.
It was the first day of school in Dallas and a new student
named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered
the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American
history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had
his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by
the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln,
1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should
be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more
about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs." "Who
said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee
Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna
puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right!
Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George
Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck
this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand
and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little
shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki
frantically yells at the top of his voice,"Gary Condit
to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the
teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're
f**ked" and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"
Feb 1, 2002
You
young peacock!
An old man was sitting on a bench
at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat
down. He had spiked hair in all different colours: green,red,
brown, pink, blue,yellow, purple.
The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's
the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with
a peacock. I was just wondering if you are my son."
Feb 1, 2002
CNN
girl wants 8 inches of it
What happens when you predict snow but don't
get any...
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future, likely think twice before she speaks.
True
story...a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me
last night?"
Not
only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did,
too. They were laughing so hard!
Jan 25, 2002
Fainting
jokes take over
President
Bush was joking himself Monday about his fainting episode,
but that didn't stop the late-night comedians from coming
after him, or Vice President Dick Cheney.
CBS "Late Show" host David Letterman noted how
the "poor guy" was out cold for four seconds Sunday
after a pretzel became lodged in his throat.
"Fortunately, it was the same four seconds that Dick
Cheney was conscious," Letterman said.
On NBC's "Tonight Show," Jay Leno also poked fun
at the vice president.
"They ran to get Dick Cheney, and they realised nobody
could remember the undisclosed location he was hiding in,"
Leno said.
All this time everyone around Bush has been worried about
Osama bin Laden, Leno said, when "it turns out he was
almost done in by Mr. Salty."Bush, who was traveling
in the Midwest Monday and sent reporters following him a
big bag of pretzels with the instructions to "chew
slowly," sported a red scrape on his cheek from the
incident.
"It's no laughing matter," Letterman said. "He
had a cut on his forehead, his cheek was bruised, and this
president is not even married to Hillary."
Jan 19, 2002
