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The Lighter Side
Archives - 2000/2001

First casualty of war - Grammar
Asatirical article by Terry Jones - a bit of a lengthy read for some, but for those who can endure it, you'll get a laugh or two out of it.
Dec 24, 2001

WHAT really alarms me about President Bush's "war on terrorism" is the grammar. How do you wage war on an abstract noun? It's rather like bombing murder.
Imagine if Bush had said: "We're going to bomb murder wherever it lurks. We are going to seek out the murderers and the would-be murderers, and bomb any government that harbours murderers."
The other thing that worries me about Bush and Blair's "war on terrorism" is: how will they know when they've won it? With most wars, you can say you've won when the other side is either all dead or surrenders. But how is terrorism going to surrender?
It's hard for abstract nouns to surrender. In fact it's very hard for abstract nouns to do anything at all of their own volition - even trained philologists can't negotiate with them. It's difficult to find their hide-outs, useless to try to cut off their supplies.
The bitter semantic truth is that you can't win against these sort of words - unless, I suppose, you get them thrown out of the Oxford English Dictionary. That would show 'em. Admittedly, the Second World War was fought against fascism.
But that particular abstract noun was cunningly hiding behind the very real Nazi government. We simply had to defeat Germany to win. In President Bush's war, there is no such solution.
Saying "We will destroy terrorism" is about as meaningful as saying: "We shall annihilate mockery."
Moreover, in its current usage, terrorism cannot be committed by a country. When America bombed a Sudanese pharmaceutical factory under the impression that it was a chemical weapons establishment, that was stupid.
But it was not an act of terrorism because the US Government did it officially. And it apologised for it.
That's very important: no self-respecting terrorist ever apologises. It's one of the few things that distinguishes legitimate governments from terrorists.
So, it was difficult for President Bush to know whom to bomb after the World Trade Centre outrage.
If Bermuda had done it, then it would have been simple: he could have bombed the Bahamas. It must have been really irritating that the people who perpetrated such a horrendous catastrophe were not a nation.
What's more, terrorists - unlike a country - won't keep still in one place so you can bomb them. They have this annoying habit of moving around, sometimes even going abroad. It's all very un-American (apart from the training, that is).
On top of all this, you have no idea who the terrorists are. It's in their nature not to be known until they've committed their particular act of terrorism.
Otherwise, they're just plain old Tim McVeigh who lives next door, or that nice Mr Atta who's taking flying lessons.
So, let's forget the abstract noun. Let's rename this conflict the "war on terrorists"; that sounds a bit more concrete. But, actually, the semantics get even more obscure. What exactly does President Bush mean by terrorists?
He hasn't defined the term, so we'll have to try to work out what he means from his actions.
Judging by those actions, the terrorists all live together in "camps" in Afghanistan. Presumably, they spend the evenings playing the guitar and eating chow around the campfire.
In these "camps", the terrorists also engage in "training" and stockpiling weapons, which we can obliterate with our cluster bombs and missiles.
Nobody seems to have told the President that the horrors of September were perpetrated with little more than a couple of dozen box-cutters. I suppose the US could bomb all the stockpiles of box-cutters in the world, but I have a sneaking feeling that it's still not going to eradicate terrorists.
Besides, I thought the terrorists who crashed those planes into the World Trade Centre were living in Florida and New Jersey. I thought the al-Qa'eda network was operating in 64 countries, including America and many European states - which even President Bush might prefer not to bomb.
But no: the President, Congress, Tony Blair and pretty well the entire House of Commons are convinced that terrorists live in Afghanistan. And what is meant by: "We mustn't give in to the terrorists"? We gave in to them the moment the first bombs fell on Afghanistan.
The instigators of September 11 must have been popping the corks on their non-alcoholic champagne.
They had successfully provoked America into attacking yet another poor country it didn't previously know much about, thereby creating revulsion throughout the Arab world and ensuring support for the Islamic fundamentalists.
Words have become devalued, some have changed their meaning, and the philologists can only shake their heads. The first casualty of war is grammar.
(This is an edited version of an essay by Terry Jones, Monty Python member, writer and performer, filed: on Dec 1, 2001. It was extracted from Voices for Peace: an Anthology (Scribner, £7.99) published in aid of Warchild.)

Understanding bin Laden
Here's some fun trying to read what the fugitive really means - from what he says.
By Jaron Summers

Many readers around the world are no doubt familiar with a recent fax that bin Laden sent. Fortunately the CIA was able to decode several secret messages within the fax. (The English translation of the text follows in black. The blue section is the part decoded by the CIA):
"To our Muslim brothers in Pakistan, peace be upon you.
Thank heavens to Allah that I have some brothers in Pakistan. It's one of the few places on earth that you can get Viagra over-the-counter. I have been out of the herb for at least a week. Stop shipping me virgins, rush me a large bottle of Viagra, double strength.
"The news of the death of our brother Muslims in Karachi while expressing their opposition to the crusade of American forces and their allies on Muslim lands Pakistan and Afghanistan has reached us with great sorrow.
What is even greater sorrow to me is the fact that I have been sleeping on a stone pillow and was stung twice last night on my winkie by Scorpions. When are you brothers going to get it right? I am a wanted man. There are about five billion infidels hunting me. I need a cave with some kind of blanket and feather pillow. I'm not a young man any more. Forget the virgins, get me a soft pillow and a down comforter. All right, all ready?
"We ask God to accept them as martyrs and to join them with the prophets, the caliphs and the martyrs and those of good will and to provide for their families. Those who are left behind children are my children and I will, God willing, take care of them.
Lets talk martyrs. As you know I and God are all for them. They are the most efficient delivery system we have for bombs and knives in this wonderful world. But we are changing the rules. Yesterday if you were a martyr we (God and I) promised you twenty virgins. From now on we are upping the virgins to twenty-five. As a matter-of-fact, effective immediately anyone who serves me will get thirty virgins upon their suicide. Hint: You could serve me well by getting me some Viagra.
"It's not a surprise that the Muslim nation in Pakistan will die defending Islam. It is considered on the front line of defending Islam. As Afghanistan was on the front line of defending itself and Pakistan during the Russian invasion more than 20 years ago.
For those of you who are now dead, it might seem things are going wrong. Trust me, they are right on target. It might feel that you are between Iraq and a hard place. (That's a little play on English for those of you who have learned to speak it. By the way, if you have not learned to speak it, start now - trust me.) Anyway, keep the faith my brothers. Allah will reward you big time with thirty virgins in paradise the second you kill yourself for him or me.
"We hope that these brothers will be the first martyrs in the battle of Islam in this era against the new Jewish and Christian crusader campaign that is led by the Chief Crusader Bush under the banner of the cross.
That George Bush is a stitch, huh? I thought it was real mean of him to print up posters of me and offer five million dead or alive. I pray one of you brothers will give him a good swift kick in his nuts. Tell you what, our first brother to do it will get not thirty but forty virgins within one minute of being shot by the Secret Service.
"We tell our Muslim brothers in Pakistan to use all their means to resist the invasion of the American crusader forces in Pakistan and Afghanistan.
Kick, bite, and scratch. Get your hands on box cutters and crop dusters. Do whatever it takes. Rush the infidels even if you don't have weapons. Don't worry about dying. As a matter-of-fact I'm upping your reward in paradise as soon as you bite the bullet to not forty but fifty virgins. Paradise, my brother, paradise.
"I convey to you good news my beloved brothers that we are steadfast in the way of jihad following in the footsteps of the prophet -- peace be upon him -- with the believing heroes, the people of Afghanistan and under the leadership of our prince the warrior Mullah Mohammed Omar."
I bet if Omar was around, you'd score him some Viagra.
"We ask God to make us defeat the infidels and the oppressors and to crush the new Jewish-Christian crusader campaign on the land of Pakistan and Afghanistan.".
You know what's wrong with those infidels? All the Christians get when they die is to play harps. As far as I can tell they only have one Virgin. And she had a baby. For the life of me I can't figure out what the attraction is with Christianity. And the Jews - well, they don't even believe in paradise.
"If God allows you to win, there will be no defeat; if he chooses that you will be defeated nothing will allow you to win. Therefore, depend on God.
Either way it might seem I'm starting to cover my ass here, my brothers. But just keep trusting me, all right?
"Your brother in Islam, (signed) Osama bin Muhammed bin-Laden."
Okay, I re-read this letter. This just in from God to me. Anyone who tries really hard in the coming Jihad and dies is going to get sixty, not fifty virgins. Isn't that great?
In other words, stick with me, I'll see that you get screwed big time.
Dec 4, 2001

More About Women
(From Celebrities)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome,
but I think of it as the only time of the month
that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"Hockey is a sport for white men.
Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied.
A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
-- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning
to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
"Instead of getting married again,
I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
"There's a new medical crisis.
Doctors are reporting that many men are having
allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman
"According to a new survey, women say they feel
more comfortable undressing in front of men
than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
Nov 26, 2001

Sex on the Sand
(or The Evil Western Media)
By Jaron Summers

Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. bin Laden had been dwelling in the Afghanistan desert for what seemed like forever --
Bin Laden's youngest wife had said at breakfast over shriveled figs, "it's like we have been living like sand crabs on this like desert for like eons."
"I don't appreciate it when you use the word 'like,'" said her husband.
"Like, why not?" asked his second youngest wife.
"Because," said the famous bearded religious cleric, "it means you have been watching American television again. Like is an infidel word."
"Don't be such a poop," said the youngest wife. "We were watching a programme about our own Arabic history."
"Yeah?" asked bin Laden. "What programme would that be?"
"I Dream of Jeannie," chimed in his oldest wife-who was irritated with bin Laden since he had not played "Hide the Scimitar" with her for almost five years. She had halitosis since she had never seen a dentist in her life. Her lice didn't help either.
Bin Laden could feel his blood pressure creeping up again. "Number one," he said, "the satellite TV is to be used by the four of you only to watch me when I am on CNN."
"But you are like hardly ever on TV any more and we are getting bored out of our gourds living in musty caves," said his third wife, the one with the shriveled breasts who never bathed. Well, she did bathe but only after sex with bin Laden. She had had two baths in nine years.
"I am so on TV," growled bin Laden. "I've been on TV as much as President Bush. He picked up a hand grenade and hurled it at a poster of the United States President.
"Tell it to the Taliban," said his youngest wife. "The world media doesn't even let you speak anymore. They just broadcast that picture of you looking like a cantankerous camel while Christiane Amanpour explains what you said."
"Allah, I hate that CNN bitch," screamed bin Laden as his blood pressure went up another notch. "Talk about one-sided coverage. I'd like to slice her head clean off."
"Please," said his oldest wife, "don't use the name of Allah in vain. You'll upset the children."
"Where are the children?" he asked.
"In the other cave playing Nintendo," said the youngest wife.
"Doesn't anyone ever listen to me?" screamed the cleric. "I told them to read the Koran and practice with their box knives."
"They are only children," said his third oldest wife. "They grow weary of learning how to be suicide servants. Don't be so hard on them. A little Nintendo can be of no harm."
"Silence, before I cut your other hand off. Nintendo, along with the rest of the wicked western entertainment industry, is corrupt. I am going to blow up the Hollywood studios. I'm taking out Disneyland too."
"Oh yeah?" asked his youngest wife. "How?"
"I've got a team of suicide bombers who look like Goofy," said bin Laden. "They have been studying with Saddam in Iraq."
"You can't be serious," said his oldest wife.
"You bet I'm serious. We've even trained suicide bombers to look like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. The Americans will feel the wrath of Allah.
"But why would you harm children?" asked his youngest wife. "That is against the teaching of the Koran and Islam."
"You forget that we are in holy jihad. Anything goes. Now, I feel like sex. Excite me," said bin Laden to his youngest wife.
"Yes, enlightened one," she said. And she did what she always did to get him in the mood. She turned on the satellite TV Playboy channel.
Nov 19 2001

Saddam 9/11 call to Bush
Saddam: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings...I would like to assure you that we had nothing ito do with this...It was not us...
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Saddam: Oh, and what time it is in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Saddam: Oops...Will call back in an hour! Bye bye

Afghan TV Guide. What's on TV tonight?
MONDAYS:
8:00 "Husseinfeld"
8:30 "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Osama In The Middle"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Torture"
8:30 - "Who Wants to be a Terrorist"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "Dharma & Mohammed"
8:30 "That Taliban Show"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Survivor - Afghanistan!"
8:30 - "Touched by an Infidel"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet-Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Bagdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Afganistan's Funniest Surveillance Tapes"
9:00 - "What Law & Order?"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
Nov 19, 2001

Malaysians, be careful
It was the Malaysian's first trip to USA. Arriving at the airport, he checked in at the immigration presenting his passport. After stamping the passport the, US immigration officer returned it to him, saying 'thank you'.
Surprised and delighted with the the man's politeness, he responded, 'Oh...sama, sama'.
He was promptly arrested by airport security officers and detained for questioning.
Nov 16, 2001

What Jay Leno has to say about Osama
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."
"The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country. They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty good trick considering they claim they don't even know where he is."
"I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in Afghanistan. That's when you know your government is no good, when the wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave."
There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own
safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country."
The US government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system.
You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges."
"More and more details coming out now about what a spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden was. Time
reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million
at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism"
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know
what? It couldn't hurt."
"More and more facts are coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton."
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week."
Nov 15, 2001

What's in a name
Mahathir: My Assets Halved After The Hit In Ringgit!
Suharto : Should U Have Additional Rupiahs, Throw Out!
Bush (ex President) : Beat Up Saddam Hussein!
.. and the best yet
Clinton : Call Lewinsky, I Need The Oral Now !
Nov 12, 2001

The letter
From: The White House
To: Albert Gore
Dear Al,
We found some more votes. You won. When do you want to take over?
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
20 October 2001

New drugs for men
With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
Here are a few of the new ones:
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favourite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
Oct 19, 2001

Love and Kisses
A good friend Ng Loke Koon e-mailed me this beauty: According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria was confronted with this this lipstick problem in the girls' restroom.
Every evening, the clean-up man would find these marks on the mirrors. Apprently, for larks they had put them on and pressed their lips on them, leaving dozens of them behind. He would wash them off, but next day invariably the girls would put them back.
After a few days, a teacher decided to put an end to the charade.
She called together the girls in groups to demonstrate how difficult the clean-up job was. In front of the girls, the cleaning man took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirrors with it.
The mirror-kissing joke came to an abrupt end.
Sept 18, 2001

The senility prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference...
Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded . . .
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after. (That's an oldie!)
Sept 17, 2001

Creepy Coincidence?
Have a history teacher explain this ---- If he or she can...

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy."
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker:
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh?
CP&GD Design Communications
Aug 29, 2001

Learning Politics
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."
The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.
So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."
Aug 28, 2001

Power of Observation
Students at the University Hospital Med School were receiving their first anatomy class. With a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: "The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted".
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated but subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I stuck the middle finger up the ass and sucked my index finger. Pay attention people!!!"

Life is Funny
Life was originally simple and HAPPY
We only toil and suffer in STUDIES
At first only A-B-C, -,+,divide and 1-2-3.
Primary 6 is kan-cheong PSLE
Then go up to SECONDARY
Must learn HISTORY and GEOGRAPHY
Physics, bio and CHEMISTRY
After O levels go JC
Some will choose to go POLY.
This hot and humid little COUNTRY
Somehow seems to have many ENEMIES
Boys 18 years old must go ARMY
After that then enter UNIVERSITY.
Girls here always watch TV
Often skip class and CHIAK LEOW BEE
If you ask them do some DUTIES
They'll just shout " Alamak ! " and cry for MUMMY.
Can study, continue STUDY
Can't study, work FACTORY
Cannot rely on CHARITY
Work like hell and earn just a little SALARY
After CPF and INCOME TAX, you'll be lucky that you
still can buy ROTI
Save money lor use MRT.

Colleagues formerly seem FRIENDLY
Daily treated to their tea and COFFEE
Now they gradually get CRAZY
Worst still behind me say I LAZY.
Bosses every where have no SYMPATHY
Work always must HURRY HURRY
Say I always take MC
Often make me do OT
Midnight go back in TAXI
Midnight surcharge ERP
Cause my bank account NO MONEY
Nowadays you pity POSB
DBS just want EXTRA FEE
Got cheek and say " Nothing is FREE !

Boy/girl friend-friend become STEADY
Serious pak-tor and then MARRY
Waste-time and money on ceremony and dinner PARTY
Still got joker-friends just give PANTY
After marry no more HONEY-HONEY
Two years later become DADDY
Wife at KK give birth to BABY
Name given is DO RE MI
Monthly pay back HDB
Moonlight anything including KARANG GUNI
Earn not enough FEEL GUILTY
Jump river suicide and want to MATI
Maybe life is really not that EASY
Better go to heaven and be FAIRY
You say FUNNY or not FUNNY
Aug 3, 2001

Exam Answers
Some answers from last year's British GCSE exams (16 year olds.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. {do dishes}
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
July 14, 2001entional Wisdowms in Singapore

What is Globalisation?
An English Princess, with an Egyptian boyfriend, uses a Swedish mobile telephone, crashes in a French tunnel in a German car, with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian driver, who was high on Scotch, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, assisted by Filipino para-medical staff, using Brazilian medicines, dies!
This is what is called GLOBALISATION.
June 22, 2001

Want Some Advice?
Tips about Love from the Experts (American kids between 5 - 10)
What is the proper age to get married?
"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom, 5)
What do most people do on a date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date" (Mike, 10)
When is it ok to kiss someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding" (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours" (Kally, 9)
The great debate: Is it better to be single or married?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble" (Kenny, 7)
Why does love happen between two people?
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular" (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful" (Harlen, 8)
On what falling in love is like.
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life" (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long" (Leo, 7)
On the role of good looks in love.
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful" (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet" (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time" (Christine, 9)
Concerning why lovers often hold hands.
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them" (Dave, 8)
Confidential opinions about love.
"I'm in favour of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons is on television" (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me" (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love-I'm finding fourth grade hard enough" (Regina, 10)
June 11, 2001

New Title
A staff was speaking to his boss:
"Nowadays, everyone is putting an 'e' in front of everything; like e-commerce, e-mail, e-greeting card, etc. It sounds so cool and uptrend. Your title, Director of Information, Operation and Technology, is just a bit plain and boring.
The Director thought for a while, agreed and then announced, "From today onwards, called me "e-DIOT".
June 7, 2001

Evolution of Maths
Teaching Maths in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Maths in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Maths in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
Teaching Maths in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Maths in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Maths in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 2000:
A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour.
Was outsourcing a good move?
June 6, 2001

Best Salesman of the Year
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department
store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says: "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish. hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him
that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
June 2, 2001

Enough of IT...
1.. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2.. You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.
3.. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4.. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next your neighbour yet this year
5.. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they are not online.
6.. You hear most of your jokes via email rather than in person.
7.. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business like manner.
8.. When you make phone calls from home, you automatically dial a "9" to get an outside line.
9.. Your resume' is on a diskette in your pocket.
10.. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay increase.
11.. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
12.. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
13.. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.
14.. You're already late on the assignment you just received.
15.. Your relatives and friends describe your job as "works with computers"
May 25, 2001

A True Assessment
John Jones, the head of the company, asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

1. at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
2. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
3. thinks twice about helping fellow employees, and he
4. finishes assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
5. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
6. breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
7. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
8. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
9. classed as a valued employee, the type which cannot be
10. dispensed with.
Signed, Jim

A MEMO WAS SENT LATER FOLLOWING THE INITIAL LETTER WHICH READ:
John, Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly read only the even numbered lines above (2, 4, 6, etc...) for my true assessment of him. Regards, Jim.
May 20, 2001

Stock Market Dictionary for 2000
Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
Broker - Someone poorer than last year.
P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the index goes lower.
"Buy Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.
Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery and the husband gets no sex.
Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Microsoft - A condition temporarily remedied by Viagra.
Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.
Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.
Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.
Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.
Alan Greenspan - god.
May 14, 2001

Eclipse The CEO
Memo from CEO to Vice-Presidents:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.
As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information.
Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Vice-Presidents to Department Heads:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Heads to Nurse Managers:
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.Memo From Nurse.
Managers to Shift Supervisors:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Shift Supervisors to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.
Apr 28, 2001

Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment. . . And they hired him, because he was so honest and funny!

Name: Greg Bulmash
Sex : Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
Desired Position: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
Desired Salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Education: Yes.
Last Position Held: Target for middle-management hostility.
Salary: Less than I'm worth.
Most Notable Achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Reason For Leaving: It sucked.
Hours Available To Work: Any.
Preferred Hours: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Do You Have Aany Sspecial Skills?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
May We Contact Your Current Employer?
If I had one, would I be here?
Have You Ever Been Convicted Of A Felony?
Is "felony" sex with a cat? Because if it is . . . no.
Do You Have Any Physical Conditions That Would Prohibit You From Lifting Up To 50 LBS?
Of what?
Do You Have A Car?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "do you have a car that runs?"
Have You Received Any Special Awards Or Recognition?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
Do You Smoke?
Only when set on fire.
What Would You Like To Be Doing In Five Years?
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
Do You Certify That The Above Is True And Complete To The Best Of Your Kowledge?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
Sign Here
Scorpio with Libra rising.

Great Thinkers Of Our Time
Actual Quotations:
Question: If you could live forever would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever"
Miss Alabama in 1994 in Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see these poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusation that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields, during an interview as spokesperson for a federal anti- smoking campaign
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
John Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Marvericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
Hillary Clinton, commenting under different circumstances on the release of subpoened documents.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"Outside the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country".
Mayor Marion Barney of Washington D.C.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle

Appraisal Terms
Great Presentation Skills ...... Able to bullshit
Good Communication Skills ....... Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee ....... Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified ....... Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority ....... Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially ....... Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially ....... Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker ....... Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking ....... Fast with excuses
Careful Thinker ....... Won't make a decision
Aggressive ....... Obnoxious
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs ....... Gets someone else to do it
Express Themselves Well ....... Speaks English
Loyal ....... Can't get a job anywhere else
Keen Sense Of Humour ...... Cracks a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded ....... Back Stabber
Meticulous Attention To Detail ..... A nit picker.

Women - they're easy to read
1. Tests have shown that women rate 3% higher in general intelligence than men, although their brain size is smaller. Most women act dumb to make their mates look good.
2. Women are walking radar detectors that is why men have difficulty lying to women. Their brains have the ability to integrate and decipher verbal, visual and other signals of body language.
3. Women want lots of sex with the man she loves. Men just want lots of sex.
4. When men flirt, they will lower their pitch of voice. Women will raise theirs.
5. Women talk and think aloud while men do them silently. As a result, men think women talk too much and are nags.
6. Women talk about their problems as a way of relieving stress. She wants to be heard, not fixed by being offered advice and solutions.
7. Speech and words are not a specific brain skill for men. They find it hard to express themselves. That's why they often choose greeting cards with plenty of words inside. That way, there's less space for them to write.
8. Women leave men, not because they are unhappy with what he can provide, but because they are emotionally unfulfilled.
9. Women use an average of 20,000 communication words, sounds, and gestures a day. Men only use about 7,000.
10. So if a woman is talking to you a lot, she likes you. But if she's not talking, you're in trouble.
11. Men are more thick-skinned than women. Literally. Which explains why women have more wrinkles than men. Boys lose their sensitivity to touch by the time they reach puberty. So where does all that sensitivity go? It all goes to just one area.
12. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship, she can't concentrate on her work. If a man is unhappy at work, he can't focus on his relationship.
13. Men can only do one thing at a time. When they stop their car to read a street directory, they have to turn down the radio. Women's brains are configured for multi-tasking performance. They can talk on the phone, watch the TV and cook at the same time.
14. Most men get a brain hemorrhage after 20 minutes of clothes shopping.
15. When it comes to sex, women need a reason; men need a place.
16. 15% to 20% of men have feminised brains. About 10% of women have masculinised brains. So there are more gays than lesbians in the world.
Oct 26, 2000

Kiasu Kids
Kiasu kids? I'll leave you to judge. They are not Singaporeans but Americans. A first grade teacher in US collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Here are some of the children's replies: -Better to be safe than… Punch a kid bigger than you
Don't bite the hand that… Looks dirty
A miss is as good as a…Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new… Maths
If you lie down with dogs, you'll… Stink in the morning
Love all trust… Me
An idle mind is…The best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's… Pollution
Happy is the bride who… Gets all the presents.
A penny saved is… Not much.
None are so blind as… Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not…Spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed…Get new batteries
When the blind lead the blind… Get out of the way
And the favourite:
Better late than… Pregnant

Drop Out's, let me have them!
Subject: FW: Ellison (CEO Oracle Corp) to Yale University Graduates

The following is part of conscript of the speech delivered by Larry Ellison, CEO of ORACLE (2nd Richest Man on the Planet) at the Yale University last month:
"Graduates of Yale University, I apologise if you have endured this type of prologue before, but I want you to do something for me. Please, take a good look around you. Look at the classmate on your left. Look at the classmate on your right.
Now, consider this Five years from now, 10 years from now, even 30 thirty years from now, odds are the person on your left is going to be a loser. The person on your right, meanwhile, will also be a loser. And you, in the middle? What can you expect? Loser. Loserhood. Loser Cum Laude.
"In fact, as I look out before me today, I don't see a thousand hopes for a bright tomorrow. I don't see a thousand future leaders in a thousand industries. I see a thousand losers. "You're upset. That's understandable. After all, how can I, Lawrence 'Larry' Ellison, college dropout, have the audacity to spout such heresy to the graduating class of one of the nation's most prestigious institutions?
I'll tell you why. Because I, Lawrence "Larry" Ellison, second richest man on the planet, am a college dropout, and you are not. "Because Bill Gates, richest man on the planet-for now, anyway - is a college dropout, and you are not. "Because Paul Allen, the third richest man on the planet, dropped out of college, and you did not .
"And for good measure, because Michael Dell, No. 9 on the list and moving up fast, is a college dropout, and you, yet again, are not." "Hmm... you're very upset. That's understandable. So let me stroke your egos for a moment by pointing out, quite sincerely, that your diplomas were not attained in vain. Most of you, I imagine, have spent four to five years here, and in many ways what you've learned and endured will serve you well in the years ahead.
You've established good work habits. You've established a network of people that will help you down the road. And you've established what will be lifelong relationships with the word 'therapy.' All that of is good. For in truth, you will need that network. You will need those strong work habits. You will need that therapy.
"You will need them because you didn't drop out, and so you will never be among the richest people in the world. Oh sure, you may, perhaps, work your way up to No. 10 or No. 11, like Steve Ballmer. But then, I don't have to tell you who he really works for, do I? And for the record, he dropped out of grad school. Bit of a late bloomer.
"Finally, I realise that many of you, and hopefully by now most of you, are wondering, 'Is there anything I can do? Is there any hope for me at all?' Actually, no. It's too late.
You've absorbed too much, think you know too much. You're not 19 anymore. You have a built-in cap, and I'm not referring to the mortar boards on your heads
"Hmm... you're really very upset. That's understandable. So perhaps this would be a good time to bring up the silver lining. Not for you, Class of '00. You are a write-off, so I'll let you slink off to your pathetic $200,000-a-year jobs, where your checks will be signed by former classmates who dropped out two years ago."
"Instead, I want to give hope to any underclassmen here today. I say to you, and I can't stress this enough: leave. Pack your things and your ideas and don't come back. Drop out. Start up.
"For I can tell you that a cap and gown will keep you down just as surely as these security guards dragging me off this stage are keeping me down..."
Nov 16, 2000

Signs From Kenya
In the window of an Indian shop along River Road... "Why go somewhere else to be cheated, when you can come here"?
In a Nairobi restaurant... "Customers who find our waitress rude, ought to see the manager".
On the grounds of a private school... "No trespassing without permission"
On an Athi River highway... "Take notice; When this sign is under water, the road is impassable".
On a poster at Kencom... "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help".
In a city restaurant... "Open seven days a week and weekends too".
One of the Mathare buildings... "Mental health prevention centre".
A sign on an automatic restroom hand dryer... "Do not activate with wet hands".
In a Pumwani maternity ward... "No children allowed".
In a cemetery... "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves".
In a Thika hotel... "It is forbidden to steal towels, If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don't read this notice".
In a Mombasa hotel... "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily".
A sign posted in a tourist campsite... "It is strictly forbidden in our camping site that people of different sex, for instance men & woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose".
In a Hindu temple... "It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man".
In some club... "Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar".
Jan 5,2001

Hi, This Is Your Machine Speaking
The following are actual answering machine messages in use by real people. Some of you may want to rush and change your pre-recorded messages:
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
Hi, I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty-dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Mar 18, 2001