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Lighter Side

Singaporeans, don’t hate me please - May 17, 2008
Letter from India - Oct 11, 2007
When women say - Jul 1, 2006
World Cup joke - Jun 19, 2006
The Stock Market illustrated ...- Jun 10, 2006
White House breakfast - Apr 14, 2006
'Take me nicely' - Mar 15
my Vellu joke - Jan 26

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Singaporeans, don’t hate me please
Malaysian blogger Susan Loong
How much would it cost to (telephone) call Singapore from Hell? You’d be surprised!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Lee Kuan Yew die and go to hell. But the devil has only one phone there. Queen says, I miss my England, can I use your phone and hear how my people are doing down there.
She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks: Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call? The devil says: Five million pounds. She writes him a cheque and goes back to her chair.
Clinton wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call the US. He talks about ten minutes, then asks how much do I owe you devil? The devil says Ten million dollars He also writes a cheque and goes back to his seat
Lee Kuan Yew is jealous. He says I want to call Singapore. He calls and talks for about an hour to his son Lee Hsien Loong who is busy trying to find Mas Selamat. Then he asks the devil how much do I owe you?
The devil replies: only one dollar. Lee Kuan Yew is shocked and asks ‘why so little?’.
The devils says: if you make a call from one hell to another, IT’S LOCAL CALL.
* * *
It’s just a joke. Sent to me by a Singaporean, anyway. Have a great weekend! HAHA!
http://sloone.wordpress.com/2008/05/17/singaporeans-dont-hate-me-please/

Letter from India
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We are not living where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I am not able to send the address, as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. But I'm not sure it works too well.
Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way, I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece we should remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes.
His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love,
Mom.
PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised, I had already sealed off this letter.

When women say ...
1. "Fine" - This is a word women use to end an argument when they're right and you need to shut up!
2. "5 minutes" - If she's getting dressed, this means half an hour. It is 5 mins if you have just been given 5 more mins to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. "Nothing" - This is the calm before the storm. This means 'something' and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'nothing' usually end in 'fine'.
4. "Go head" - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
5. Loud sigh - This is not actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by man. A loud sigh means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she's wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over 'nothing'.
6. "That's okay" - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. "Thanks" - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. "Whatever" - It's a woman's way of saying "%!#* you!"
Jul 1, 2006

World Cup joke
A man had a great seat for the World Cup final.
As he sits down, he notices that there is a vacant seat between him and the next guy. He asks the guy if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "The seat is empty".
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup final, the biggest sporting
event in the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away a few days ago. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married".
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head and answers: "No. They're all at the funeral..."
Jun 19, 2006

The Stock Market illustrated ...
Once upon a time, in a village a man appeared who announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10. The villagers seeing that
there were many monkeys went out in the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish and
villagers started to stop their effort he announced that now he would buy
at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so low that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on
behalf of the man.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man comes back, you can sell it to him for $50."
The villager squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Jun 10, 2006

White House breakfast
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're like Mr. Bill Clinton!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to a baffled Bush and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
Apr 14, 2006

'Take me nicely'
Madam:
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Bangaloru. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay.
Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always
giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want, you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do?
So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am
pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you
very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon,
Yours and only yours
Ajit Gupchup

Samy Vellu joke
Mr Samy Vellu attends a UN meeting on space exploration by 2008. He is representing the Malaysian Prime Minister. Here are some of the conversations:
China Delegate: "By the year 2008, China will start their moon
exploration project."
Russian Delegate: "We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we
will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon."
George Bush: "We the United States will also explore the moon - for the second time."
Malaysian Delegate: "By the year 2008, Malaysia will explore the sun."
There was a long silence. Bush stood up and asked the Malaysian delegate:
"Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?"
Samy Vellu (thinking for awhile): "We will do it in the evening."
Jan 26, 2006